To You

You know what, I hate you! I hate you for being so damn perfect. My list is full of check marks, thanks to you. I hate you because you made me realize how miserable and lonely I am.

I was perfectly fine without you. I have my boy toys and they have me. I thought that you were just going to be another addition to the list but then you go kissing me and then asking me to be your girlfriend. You even told me that you're never going to leave me like what the others did. I know I shouldn't believe it. I never believed it when the others said it but I believe you.

Damn it. I miss you. I want to see you so badly right now. You know it made me wish that I was so much easier. I should have said yes the first and second time you asked me to be your girlfriend. So I wouldn't be this uneasy and crazy.

This is pathetic.

Again, why should you be so damn perfect? What's wrong with you? Aside from the fact that you're too damn busy. You're handsome and successful. You're older. You don't smoke. You're sweet. When I'm with you, I feel weak in the knees. I get goosebumps all over. And every time before I see you, I get nervous and anxious. I'm just like a lovesick high school girl drooling over her crush. It's not me.

I don't think I love you. I know that I definitely like you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be cyberstalking you. No luck with that one. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't go around digging for flaws and your wrongs. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be hoping for this to work out. But I'm hoping it will.

You made me rethink my position on love and marriage. I was determined to never feel that way again. I was a feminist. I was going to be successful without a man by my side. It'll just be me. I was already prepared to stick it out alone. I've gotten accustomed to cold Christmases and flowerless Valentine's days and dateless birthdays. You even got me thinking about pregnancy and babies. Take note that the word babies is plural in form. And I never thought about getting married before I'm thirty but then I met you and all that changed. It's not that I really want to get married in the next two to three years. But if you're in the picture, I just might rethink my future plans.

If you're going to leave eventually, please leave now. I don't really need the drama. Most of the people I know major in drama so I don't really need one in my life right now or ever.

No, don't leave. I don't want you to leave. I want to see where this goes. Please ask me out soon. I really want to say yes to you so that you'll be obligated to text me and see me at least once a week.

Damn, I hate not being in control.

I miss you. Donna says "Patience is a virtue". I say "Waiting is hell." But that's all I can do. I know you're not a jerk. Prove me right this time.