Falling in Love With My Former Self

When I first saw him, it wasn't love at first sight. Hell, I didn't believe in those kinds of crap. I found him cute but I wasn't dressed for any flirting activity so I didn't care much. And I was in McDonald's. I was there to help a friend not find my next boy toy.

When we first got to texting, I found him kinda boring. He was 25 and in law school. He didn't have much interesting stories to tell and he didn't text as much as the others. In that way, he was perfect. I thought to myself back then that nothing is ever going to happen between us. He was dull.

Things changed when I found out what he was doing for a living. He was an accountant and he teaches at university. He's young and he's finding success all at the same time pursuing a law degree. I have never been with an accomplished man before. All the other guys I dated were losers. If not, they were just on their way to loserville. Well, I have dated some successful guys but they were never normal. Not to be judgmental or sound too shallow, they were dorks. This guy was different. He's normal.

What is normal? For one, a normal guy must have a sport. A real sport. In my opinion, guys should play basketball or at least show an interest in it. Normal should be he has a working knowledge on video games. I have to stress: WORKING KNOWLEDGE. Addicted isn't normal. A normal guy should be able to handle liquor. It would be embarrassing if I have to take him home after a night of heavy drinking. A normal guy should not talk to me about shopping. Guys don't shop. Guys go into a store and buy. If it's possible, they'll buy everything they can and have to in one stop. That is not shopping. Guys should do that. Guys should only shop when they have to and if they're with a woman. A normal guy loves to eat. A normal guy should eat anything. And he should, to an extent, prefer quantity over quality. This means he likes eating at fast food restaurants and buffets. He will never trade caviar, oysters and wine over burgers, pizza and a soda, not in his life. A normal guy must like animals. I do not know why but they should. A normal guy must have punched someone in the face. Even if it was only once in a lifetime, he must. A normal guy is career oriented. A normal guy thinks of sex. A normal guy has had sex. A normal guy has broken hearts and had his fair share of heartache.

He was all that and so much more. I loved him because of that. But three weeks of despair made me realize that there's something more to me loving him than what meets the eye.

Yes, he is amazing. So amazing. I couldn't ask for more and it hurt when I had to end things. It wasn't working out and I was unhappy. To be honest, being with him and being single didn't make much of a difference. I still felt alone. Part of the fun of having a boyfriend is that you know that there is this one person in the entire universe who's going to be thinking of you the minute the sun rises up and the minute he goes to sleep. If you're lucky enough, he'll even dream about you. In our case, I don't know if he even thinks of me. I like to believe that he does.

A while ago while I was walking home, I realized that I loved him because he's everything that I wanted for myself. He's an accountant, a law student and he teaches in a university. That was the dream. That was the plan. I entered college feeling very optimistic that after five and half incredible years of university, I would be happy, living the dream. Now that everything's headed towards a different direction, I found comfort in having him. He reminded me of what I was like back then. And the fact is I fell in love with him not because of who he is but what he represented. I was desperately holding on to him because it made me feel that I could still be part of the dream and that my hopes aren't entirely lost. It just transferred to another person.

I also realized that if he were anything like my old self, I wouldn't love the me I am today. The old me was selfish and too busy to care. The old me wouldn't want some clingy desperate cry baby. I'll bet you anything in the world, he will go nuts for the old me. Old me was a coldhearted bitch. She will be too busy to worry about him and too absorbed to care. I was independent and I used to not need anyone. The old me was a go-getter. I used to get everything that I want.

I miss the old me. It's a work in progress. I'm still trying to put my pieces together. The last guy scattered them all over the place and got some lost. And to make things worse, I'm trying to be things that I'm not. They said that men love damsels in distress. Right now, I am one and it doesn't seem to be working for me. Or maybe I just don't know how to properly be one. I am trying to be a damsel in distress but then I don't want the help. I'm not a fan of the string of pity that comes with being a damsel in distress. And the old me doesn't cry. The old me believes that crying is a sign of weakness. Oh dear, I really do miss the old me.

I realized that the men that I tend to go for aren't the kinds who would offer a shoulder to cry on. The guys that I tend to like are the bastards. These men wouldn't care less for my weak-ass problems. They don't want to be knights in shining armors and they don't need spoiled princesses. What they want is someone like the old me. Someone who's going to be their Bonnie to their Clyde, their partner in crime.

I still love him and I know what I have to do to even have a chance at having him. I have to be myself. I have to stop pretending. I have to stop believing in these fairy tales. As much as they do come true for other people, that won't be the case for me. Right now, I'm truly grateful he came into my life. He's my time machine. He gave me a glimpse to my past. It's time to return to that person again. It's time to step out of this safe comfortable nest that I've built for myself.

Countdown to the old M starts here and it starts now.

An Open Letter to the Man of my Dreams

Dear Babe,

You flew to Taiwan today. What gives? You didn't even tell me.

And well, I broke up with you today before your flight. As if it even matters. You don't love me anymore and I don't know why.

You said you'll never leave and I've been through this one too many times and I told myself that I shouldn't believe you but I did. People shouldn't say stuff they don't mean and with that you broke my heart.

You broke my heart, Mr. Morales. I thought that being with an older, more sophisticated man would save me from heartache but it turns out, jerks come in all ages. But in spite of that and even though I'm saying it, deep in my heart I refuse to believe that you are a jerk.

I fought with the urge to break up with you a while ago. I wanted to hear your voice, say good bye and wish you well when you go and that i'll be waiting when you get back but if I didn't break up with you, I would regret it later. What's the use of hanging on to someone who wants to let go?

I love you babe, so much. And I wish that I could tell this to you right now but I wouldn't know how to reach you. And that's the whole point of breaking up with you today because if I broke up with you later and you didn't come after me, it would be devastating. At least in this set-up, I can believe that you're not coming after me because you can't.

But damn, you were so lucky to have someone like me. I'm beautiful and smart. I'm a great cook. And one of the most important traits I have is being understanding and compassionate. I understand that work and law school is important to you and I try not to throw a fit because you don't have time for me. You can't imagine what it's like trying to make myself believe that it's okay not seeing you. You can't imagine what it's like hurting because you can't make time for me, even if it's only for five seconds.

And I don't need you. I don't need anybody, not now and not ever. I've been through a lot of stuff on my own and you don't know what it's like dealing with all those. You don't know what it's like seeing your whole world crumble at your feet. And I have pulled through. I have had better days but this will pass. I'll get better. It'll get better. It has to.

I just want to feel like I'm actually your girlfriend. I want to take care of you. I want to bring you lunch while at work. I want to massage you after a long day. I want to be the first one you think about in the morning, the last one you think of before you go to sleep, and the one you dream about in between. I want to be the one you want to see after a bad day. I want to be the one you bitch to when things don't go your way. I want to be the one telling you that everything's going to be alright. I want to love you the proper and dreamy way. You just won't let me.

So I guess it is better that things are over. I love you. Take care even though I know you're okay. :'(

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It's been 23 days four hours and seventeen minutes since I last saw my boyfriend. My goodness, what kind of relationship am I in? Uso ba to ngayon?

It's exams week for him. I understand why he doesn't have the time but I'm feeling very insecure right now. I just want to know that he's thinking of me.

Two or three days to go. I can do this!

To You

You know what, I hate you! I hate you for being so damn perfect. My list is full of check marks, thanks to you. I hate you because you made me realize how miserable and lonely I am.

I was perfectly fine without you. I have my boy toys and they have me. I thought that you were just going to be another addition to the list but then you go kissing me and then asking me to be your girlfriend. You even told me that you're never going to leave me like what the others did. I know I shouldn't believe it. I never believed it when the others said it but I believe you.

Damn it. I miss you. I want to see you so badly right now. You know it made me wish that I was so much easier. I should have said yes the first and second time you asked me to be your girlfriend. So I wouldn't be this uneasy and crazy.

This is pathetic.

Again, why should you be so damn perfect? What's wrong with you? Aside from the fact that you're too damn busy. You're handsome and successful. You're older. You don't smoke. You're sweet. When I'm with you, I feel weak in the knees. I get goosebumps all over. And every time before I see you, I get nervous and anxious. I'm just like a lovesick high school girl drooling over her crush. It's not me.

I don't think I love you. I know that I definitely like you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be cyberstalking you. No luck with that one. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't go around digging for flaws and your wrongs. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be hoping for this to work out. But I'm hoping it will.

You made me rethink my position on love and marriage. I was determined to never feel that way again. I was a feminist. I was going to be successful without a man by my side. It'll just be me. I was already prepared to stick it out alone. I've gotten accustomed to cold Christmases and flowerless Valentine's days and dateless birthdays. You even got me thinking about pregnancy and babies. Take note that the word babies is plural in form. And I never thought about getting married before I'm thirty but then I met you and all that changed. It's not that I really want to get married in the next two to three years. But if you're in the picture, I just might rethink my future plans.

If you're going to leave eventually, please leave now. I don't really need the drama. Most of the people I know major in drama so I don't really need one in my life right now or ever.

No, don't leave. I don't want you to leave. I want to see where this goes. Please ask me out soon. I really want to say yes to you so that you'll be obligated to text me and see me at least once a week.

Damn, I hate not being in control.

I miss you. Donna says "Patience is a virtue". I say "Waiting is hell." But that's all I can do. I know you're not a jerk. Prove me right this time.

IMY

Where the Eff Are You?

I Miss You!

Paramdam ka naman oh.

It's Over.

Ayoko na talaga! I never should have texted him again.

I blame Donna.

Mark Rubio

Believe it or not, I had my first boyfriend at the very young age of 11. It was nothing serious though. I was just curious that's all. And maybe it's because I gave into peer pressure. It's stupid really. It wasn't love. It wasn't infatuation. It wasn't even a crush. It was just because I was young and curious.

His name is Mark and unfortunately, he's my first boyfriend. I don't remember how and what happened when it happened. Thank goodness. All I know that there were two months in the year 2000 that I was a girlfriend. We didn't really do anything together. We hang out in school. He'd call me sometimes. We never really talked. We just sit down beside each other. He'd hold my hand. I don't even remember if he treated me to lunch or something.

The thing I do remember most about him is when my friend and I were in the bathroom, we heard someone singing from the outside. Mark was doing a rendition of the song, "Labs ko si Babe". *puke* I don't really know that song. All I know is that it came from a teleserye with the same title and Jolina Magdangal was starring in it. We didn't have TFC so that's all I know about it.

He was an asshole then. He's still an asshole now. I don't get it why a lot of girls fell for that person. He's like the "syota ng bayan."

When we broke up, he cried and then after he punched the wall with his fist. Okay? My classmates were telling me all about it and he expected sympathy from me. I don't really care. I am convinced that the crying and punching the wall thing was just an act. A very rehearsed act for that matter. He probably does that everytime someone breaks up with him. We were only in the sixth grade and he had what, 5 girlfriends?

I don't know which one of us contacted the other first. It might have been me or it might have been him but it doesn't really matter. I think it was around two years ago that we began to get in touch. He gave me his number and out of good faith, I texted him. He began texting me continuously for days. He often would give hints about the two of us and what it would will it be like if we will get back together. For goodness sake, he's a guy. He shouldn't be giving out hints. He should be just saying it. Either way, it won't work for me.

I remember meeting up with him and other friends from our high school. I brought my sister along of course. Early in the night, we were already at each other's throats and just a little later, we weren't speaking anymore. I have painted him a very big picture that nothing is ever going to happen with us AGAIN. I think he got it. Then after some time, he texted me again. This time it wasn't about us or getting back together. The stupid fool wanted to borrow money from me. The nerve of that jerk!

In the end, I never lent him money. I think he tried to borrow from me thrice. All unsuccessful.

He wants to meet up with me. I asked him what good will it do if I meet up with him. Will my life change if I meet up with him? You know what the prick said? He said, "Oo. Mababago ko buhay mo pati buhay ng pamilya mo mababago ko." Oh my Freaking Banana! Could you imagine the nerve of that guy? *furious. trying to breathe to relax*

Meynard Guerra

Meynard Guerra has been a friend of mine since elementary school. His Dad and my Dad were members of PICPA in Jeddah while his Mom and my Mom were officemates. We can say that we were pretty close.

He used to be a cute kid though. What the hell happened? Sigh. Nothing we can do about that anymore.

I'm really a friendly person so I try to be friendly towards him (read: plastic) but I just can't look at him without thinking of the thing my friend said he did. I won't reveal what he did because I promise to keep everything PG13 in here.

I really do want to believe he's a person with a good heart but he does things that contradict that. What kind of decent person would pick a fight with the mother of his ex-girlfriend? Sometimes, he amazes me on how stupidly courageous he can get. Freaking Banana, he doesn't have the body, the heart and the respiratory system to pick fights with other people.

He tells my friend that he's hung up over his ex but then he has other girlfriends. Why can't he just plain straight out say to my friend that he doesn't like her just because? It may hurt for a while but at least my friend can get over him quickly rather than just hoping that maybe someday Meynard will love her. He keeps her hanging around when she shouldn't anymore. He texts her when he's lonely or he's bored. For the love of Banana, she's not a clown. Her purpose in life is not to entertain you, stupid fart!

Yes, boys will be boys but that doesn't give you any reason to act like a bitch! What a total drama queen.

First Blog

Boys will be boys. This is a common saying. It's pathetic really because it makes them believe that whatever disgusting or evil thing they do is okay because well, they're boys. But then of course, life wouldn't be the same without them. In fact, it would be very dull. Even though there are a couple of them I wish I didn't meet but then again, I'm still thankful. I'm thankful for meeting them because I wouldn't be who I am without them.


This blog is about the men in my life, in the life of my friends and well much more.