Falling in Love With My Former Self

When I first saw him, it wasn't love at first sight. Hell, I didn't believe in those kinds of crap. I found him cute but I wasn't dressed for any flirting activity so I didn't care much. And I was in McDonald's. I was there to help a friend not find my next boy toy.

When we first got to texting, I found him kinda boring. He was 25 and in law school. He didn't have much interesting stories to tell and he didn't text as much as the others. In that way, he was perfect. I thought to myself back then that nothing is ever going to happen between us. He was dull.

Things changed when I found out what he was doing for a living. He was an accountant and he teaches at university. He's young and he's finding success all at the same time pursuing a law degree. I have never been with an accomplished man before. All the other guys I dated were losers. If not, they were just on their way to loserville. Well, I have dated some successful guys but they were never normal. Not to be judgmental or sound too shallow, they were dorks. This guy was different. He's normal.

What is normal? For one, a normal guy must have a sport. A real sport. In my opinion, guys should play basketball or at least show an interest in it. Normal should be he has a working knowledge on video games. I have to stress: WORKING KNOWLEDGE. Addicted isn't normal. A normal guy should be able to handle liquor. It would be embarrassing if I have to take him home after a night of heavy drinking. A normal guy should not talk to me about shopping. Guys don't shop. Guys go into a store and buy. If it's possible, they'll buy everything they can and have to in one stop. That is not shopping. Guys should do that. Guys should only shop when they have to and if they're with a woman. A normal guy loves to eat. A normal guy should eat anything. And he should, to an extent, prefer quantity over quality. This means he likes eating at fast food restaurants and buffets. He will never trade caviar, oysters and wine over burgers, pizza and a soda, not in his life. A normal guy must like animals. I do not know why but they should. A normal guy must have punched someone in the face. Even if it was only once in a lifetime, he must. A normal guy is career oriented. A normal guy thinks of sex. A normal guy has had sex. A normal guy has broken hearts and had his fair share of heartache.

He was all that and so much more. I loved him because of that. But three weeks of despair made me realize that there's something more to me loving him than what meets the eye.

Yes, he is amazing. So amazing. I couldn't ask for more and it hurt when I had to end things. It wasn't working out and I was unhappy. To be honest, being with him and being single didn't make much of a difference. I still felt alone. Part of the fun of having a boyfriend is that you know that there is this one person in the entire universe who's going to be thinking of you the minute the sun rises up and the minute he goes to sleep. If you're lucky enough, he'll even dream about you. In our case, I don't know if he even thinks of me. I like to believe that he does.

A while ago while I was walking home, I realized that I loved him because he's everything that I wanted for myself. He's an accountant, a law student and he teaches in a university. That was the dream. That was the plan. I entered college feeling very optimistic that after five and half incredible years of university, I would be happy, living the dream. Now that everything's headed towards a different direction, I found comfort in having him. He reminded me of what I was like back then. And the fact is I fell in love with him not because of who he is but what he represented. I was desperately holding on to him because it made me feel that I could still be part of the dream and that my hopes aren't entirely lost. It just transferred to another person.

I also realized that if he were anything like my old self, I wouldn't love the me I am today. The old me was selfish and too busy to care. The old me wouldn't want some clingy desperate cry baby. I'll bet you anything in the world, he will go nuts for the old me. Old me was a coldhearted bitch. She will be too busy to worry about him and too absorbed to care. I was independent and I used to not need anyone. The old me was a go-getter. I used to get everything that I want.

I miss the old me. It's a work in progress. I'm still trying to put my pieces together. The last guy scattered them all over the place and got some lost. And to make things worse, I'm trying to be things that I'm not. They said that men love damsels in distress. Right now, I am one and it doesn't seem to be working for me. Or maybe I just don't know how to properly be one. I am trying to be a damsel in distress but then I don't want the help. I'm not a fan of the string of pity that comes with being a damsel in distress. And the old me doesn't cry. The old me believes that crying is a sign of weakness. Oh dear, I really do miss the old me.

I realized that the men that I tend to go for aren't the kinds who would offer a shoulder to cry on. The guys that I tend to like are the bastards. These men wouldn't care less for my weak-ass problems. They don't want to be knights in shining armors and they don't need spoiled princesses. What they want is someone like the old me. Someone who's going to be their Bonnie to their Clyde, their partner in crime.

I still love him and I know what I have to do to even have a chance at having him. I have to be myself. I have to stop pretending. I have to stop believing in these fairy tales. As much as they do come true for other people, that won't be the case for me. Right now, I'm truly grateful he came into my life. He's my time machine. He gave me a glimpse to my past. It's time to return to that person again. It's time to step out of this safe comfortable nest that I've built for myself.

Countdown to the old M starts here and it starts now.