You're the best thing

I want you to know that you're the best thing that has happened to me. Now that it seems that my whole world is crumbling, you're one of the few things that could put a smile on my face. You make me feel safe. You make me happy. What we have may not be the simplest of things. We're still trying to figure out what we mean to each other and we're both very stubborn not to ask. Thanks for sticking by me. Thanks for being there when I bumped my car into a cab. I wouldn't know what to do if you weren't there with me. Thanks for understanding when I just lost it and the tears just came pouring out of my eyes. I'm sorry too for that. I didn't mean to be such a total drama queen. Thanks for being real. It can get annoying sometimes how you tend to not take my side about things but it's one of the thousand things I really admire about you. You're fair. I just realized that I'm like that with my friends and I think they get annoyed by that too. Thanks for being B.S.-less. Most guys would tell me anything just to get in my pants. You're not like that. Most of all, thanks for coming back to my life. This time last year, I was about to meet the guy of my dreams and in a few months, he would've left me. Then I realized that Mr. Perfect wasn't right for me and then here you come waltzing back. I disliked you so much and I don't know why I stuck around with you but I did and it's the best decision I've ever made.

Sigh. What I'm trying to say is that I'm falling hard for you and I need you to be a jerk so I could stop. Please. :)

I Guess Now We're Even

Last night, I waited for someone. He didn't show. It's heartbreaking. Why do the men in my life like to keep me waiting?

I'm done. I don't want to wait for people anymore. It's exhausting. It's painful a lot of times.

I thought that it would be different the second time around. I thought it would be easy because I've known you for a year and I thought that I know you enough. The thing is, I was wrong.

And now I know why I should never give anyone a second chance because no one ever did give me a second chance. I made a lot of mistakes and no one ever gave me a second chance at redemption. It's stupid how people expect you to forgive but they themselves don't know how to.

So I guess now we're even. I said something mean and you made me wait for nothing.

Sorry

Will you just forgive me already? It's been what four days? I said I'm sorry. I really didn't mean what I said. It was a joke. I know it's mean and I'm sorry. 

Forgive me already. Please.

I miss you. I really do miss you. :'(

Age Doesn't Matter

"Age Doesn't Matter." I can't count how many times I have heard this line. People say age isn't a factor in love, in fact it is just a number.I beg to disagree. Age means a lot. To those who say it doesn't matter, I urge you to step out of your dream world.

I've always been picky with the men in my life. I have gone through lots to be cautious when it comes to the men I date. And age is one of the things that always concerned me.

I have an age range. My guy's age should range from two years younger than me to ten years older. Now that I just turned 21, it's 19-31. It's a wide area, if you think about it. And I've always upheld this. I've never went under or beyond my age range and I've gathered much experience about men in different age groups.

1. Younger

Somehow they make it work

- Dating a much younger guy is really exciting. So far my longest and most successful relationship had been with a guy younger than me. He was only a year younger but we were in high school back then so one year would seem like a decade. What I learned from dating a younger guy is that I should never do it again. As I said it is exciting but then it wears the both of you out. A few years into the future, you'll be older and he'll be just old and when he's old, he'll want someone younger and the next thing you know you're being thrown out the front door. 

2. Same age group as me

- I'm twenty one and dating someone who's closer to my age has never been my forte. I dated men from my own age group but they don't seem to stick long enough. Men my age do not like me and I don't know why. I would want to date someone as young as me because I feel that we would be having the same priorities, the same goals in life. We'll be old enough to take life seriously but young enough to live a little. We would understand each other better because we will be going through the same things. We'll be able to experience adventures together and learn new stuff together. I think dating someone of my own age entails a lot of togetherness and that's important. It's important to spend time with each other.

3. The Older Men

- This is my area of expertise. I don't get why older men like me. My last boyfriend was five years older than me. My last almost boyfriend was seven years my senior. Don't get me wrong, the older men I catch aren't the DOMs. They're just older. I like dating older men I suppose. They're fascinating. They have their life together. They have lots of stories to share. They have money to spend. They're much more attentive when they're with you. The only thing is they're just too busy. Guys who are 25 to 30 have their career and other plans to take care of. My last boyfriend was working for an accounting firm, a university instructor and a law student all at the same time. Where in the world would I fit into his busy schedule? It was hard. There's a lot of waiting involved. During that time I was trying so hard to understand his situation. The thing is he was just too busy to understand mine. Mama needs some lovin' you know! :D

Experiencing Life Together

Age is just a number. Yeah, maybe but I realized that I'm only and already 21. I have my whole life ahead of me and I want to live it. Of course, I don't want to do a whole lot of living. I could date whoever I want, whatever age they may come, but I have to remember that I matter too. My dreams and goals are just as important as theirs. If I have found a younger man who could take his life seriously and not just searching for experience, I'd date him. If I happen upon an older man (which I most probably will) who can relax a bit and be willing to go on adventures with me and help me live my life, I would love to love him. It's just a matter of balance.

This is just how I want things to be: Happy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the images posted above. Don't sue me, please. :)

PH Care.

PH Care has the Wind kind. You know, it's color blue and it's supposed to give the ladies some cool wind effect in their nether areas. Normally, people would use it for feminine hygiene. But a guy friend of mine shared another use for this seemingly innocent product. :D

My friend was at a party one night and he got pretty hammered. Since he goes to a school with lots of rich kids, there were a lot of hot and liberated girls at the party. So there was this girl who led him to her bed and said, "I want to try something on you" and since he was hammered and since he was overflowing with testosterone, I guess he was up for pretty much anything. He said okay. The girl unzipped his pants, reached for her PH Care Wind something, slathered her hands with the thing and proceeded to give my friend one of the most unforgettable experiences of his young life.

My friend said, it felt weird at first. But the wind factor made the whole thing amazing. I guess that's a valid point. There were a lot of sensations involved. There was the hand movements, your rising body temperature contradicted by the cool wind effect of the product. It's not a bad idea. In fact, it's sort of a genius idea. I guess using lotions can be a hassle sometimes. It's sticky and oily at the same time. With a feminine hygiene wash you just have wash it off with water and you're good to go.

So I guess we ladies better switch to the wind kind, just in case. ;)

Disclaimer: I do not own the image posted above. Please do not sue me if my using this picture offends you in anyway. I am not an official endorser of PH Care. Please do not let my comments and viewpoints affect the way you view the company that manufactures this product.

Falling in Love With My Former Self

When I first saw him, it wasn't love at first sight. Hell, I didn't believe in those kinds of crap. I found him cute but I wasn't dressed for any flirting activity so I didn't care much. And I was in McDonald's. I was there to help a friend not find my next boy toy.

When we first got to texting, I found him kinda boring. He was 25 and in law school. He didn't have much interesting stories to tell and he didn't text as much as the others. In that way, he was perfect. I thought to myself back then that nothing is ever going to happen between us. He was dull.

Things changed when I found out what he was doing for a living. He was an accountant and he teaches at university. He's young and he's finding success all at the same time pursuing a law degree. I have never been with an accomplished man before. All the other guys I dated were losers. If not, they were just on their way to loserville. Well, I have dated some successful guys but they were never normal. Not to be judgmental or sound too shallow, they were dorks. This guy was different. He's normal.

What is normal? For one, a normal guy must have a sport. A real sport. In my opinion, guys should play basketball or at least show an interest in it. Normal should be he has a working knowledge on video games. I have to stress: WORKING KNOWLEDGE. Addicted isn't normal. A normal guy should be able to handle liquor. It would be embarrassing if I have to take him home after a night of heavy drinking. A normal guy should not talk to me about shopping. Guys don't shop. Guys go into a store and buy. If it's possible, they'll buy everything they can and have to in one stop. That is not shopping. Guys should do that. Guys should only shop when they have to and if they're with a woman. A normal guy loves to eat. A normal guy should eat anything. And he should, to an extent, prefer quantity over quality. This means he likes eating at fast food restaurants and buffets. He will never trade caviar, oysters and wine over burgers, pizza and a soda, not in his life. A normal guy must like animals. I do not know why but they should. A normal guy must have punched someone in the face. Even if it was only once in a lifetime, he must. A normal guy is career oriented. A normal guy thinks of sex. A normal guy has had sex. A normal guy has broken hearts and had his fair share of heartache.

He was all that and so much more. I loved him because of that. But three weeks of despair made me realize that there's something more to me loving him than what meets the eye.

Yes, he is amazing. So amazing. I couldn't ask for more and it hurt when I had to end things. It wasn't working out and I was unhappy. To be honest, being with him and being single didn't make much of a difference. I still felt alone. Part of the fun of having a boyfriend is that you know that there is this one person in the entire universe who's going to be thinking of you the minute the sun rises up and the minute he goes to sleep. If you're lucky enough, he'll even dream about you. In our case, I don't know if he even thinks of me. I like to believe that he does.

A while ago while I was walking home, I realized that I loved him because he's everything that I wanted for myself. He's an accountant, a law student and he teaches in a university. That was the dream. That was the plan. I entered college feeling very optimistic that after five and half incredible years of university, I would be happy, living the dream. Now that everything's headed towards a different direction, I found comfort in having him. He reminded me of what I was like back then. And the fact is I fell in love with him not because of who he is but what he represented. I was desperately holding on to him because it made me feel that I could still be part of the dream and that my hopes aren't entirely lost. It just transferred to another person.

I also realized that if he were anything like my old self, I wouldn't love the me I am today. The old me was selfish and too busy to care. The old me wouldn't want some clingy desperate cry baby. I'll bet you anything in the world, he will go nuts for the old me. Old me was a coldhearted bitch. She will be too busy to worry about him and too absorbed to care. I was independent and I used to not need anyone. The old me was a go-getter. I used to get everything that I want.

I miss the old me. It's a work in progress. I'm still trying to put my pieces together. The last guy scattered them all over the place and got some lost. And to make things worse, I'm trying to be things that I'm not. They said that men love damsels in distress. Right now, I am one and it doesn't seem to be working for me. Or maybe I just don't know how to properly be one. I am trying to be a damsel in distress but then I don't want the help. I'm not a fan of the string of pity that comes with being a damsel in distress. And the old me doesn't cry. The old me believes that crying is a sign of weakness. Oh dear, I really do miss the old me.

I realized that the men that I tend to go for aren't the kinds who would offer a shoulder to cry on. The guys that I tend to like are the bastards. These men wouldn't care less for my weak-ass problems. They don't want to be knights in shining armors and they don't need spoiled princesses. What they want is someone like the old me. Someone who's going to be their Bonnie to their Clyde, their partner in crime.

I still love him and I know what I have to do to even have a chance at having him. I have to be myself. I have to stop pretending. I have to stop believing in these fairy tales. As much as they do come true for other people, that won't be the case for me. Right now, I'm truly grateful he came into my life. He's my time machine. He gave me a glimpse to my past. It's time to return to that person again. It's time to step out of this safe comfortable nest that I've built for myself.

Countdown to the old M starts here and it starts now.

An Open Letter to the Man of my Dreams

Dear Babe,

You flew to Taiwan today. What gives? You didn't even tell me.

And well, I broke up with you today before your flight. As if it even matters. You don't love me anymore and I don't know why.

You said you'll never leave and I've been through this one too many times and I told myself that I shouldn't believe you but I did. People shouldn't say stuff they don't mean and with that you broke my heart.

You broke my heart, Mr. Morales. I thought that being with an older, more sophisticated man would save me from heartache but it turns out, jerks come in all ages. But in spite of that and even though I'm saying it, deep in my heart I refuse to believe that you are a jerk.

I fought with the urge to break up with you a while ago. I wanted to hear your voice, say good bye and wish you well when you go and that i'll be waiting when you get back but if I didn't break up with you, I would regret it later. What's the use of hanging on to someone who wants to let go?

I love you babe, so much. And I wish that I could tell this to you right now but I wouldn't know how to reach you. And that's the whole point of breaking up with you today because if I broke up with you later and you didn't come after me, it would be devastating. At least in this set-up, I can believe that you're not coming after me because you can't.

But damn, you were so lucky to have someone like me. I'm beautiful and smart. I'm a great cook. And one of the most important traits I have is being understanding and compassionate. I understand that work and law school is important to you and I try not to throw a fit because you don't have time for me. You can't imagine what it's like trying to make myself believe that it's okay not seeing you. You can't imagine what it's like hurting because you can't make time for me, even if it's only for five seconds.

And I don't need you. I don't need anybody, not now and not ever. I've been through a lot of stuff on my own and you don't know what it's like dealing with all those. You don't know what it's like seeing your whole world crumble at your feet. And I have pulled through. I have had better days but this will pass. I'll get better. It'll get better. It has to.

I just want to feel like I'm actually your girlfriend. I want to take care of you. I want to bring you lunch while at work. I want to massage you after a long day. I want to be the first one you think about in the morning, the last one you think of before you go to sleep, and the one you dream about in between. I want to be the one you want to see after a bad day. I want to be the one you bitch to when things don't go your way. I want to be the one telling you that everything's going to be alright. I want to love you the proper and dreamy way. You just won't let me.

So I guess it is better that things are over. I love you. Take care even though I know you're okay. :'(

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend.